Thursday, November 30, 2006
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
The Italian Notre Dame
Why do the Irish get to have their own college football team? That seems unfair.
I think we should be able to designate one team for each race, ethnicity or nationality in this country, just so everybody has an excuse to check the score on a Saturday night.
So, for no reason other than its name ends in a vowel, I'm going to make Villanova the official Italian team.
I guess we'd have to change their name to the Fighting Italians, which seems completely redundant. Then again, if we're going with stereotypes, Fighting Irish ain't exactly rebelling against reputation either.
I think we should be able to designate one team for each race, ethnicity or nationality in this country, just so everybody has an excuse to check the score on a Saturday night.
So, for no reason other than its name ends in a vowel, I'm going to make Villanova the official Italian team.
I guess we'd have to change their name to the Fighting Italians, which seems completely redundant. Then again, if we're going with stereotypes, Fighting Irish ain't exactly rebelling against reputation either.
A Pixar Idea
Someone was trying to describe stores like Marshall's and Filene's Basement the other day. And someone eventually came up with this little nugget:
"It's where clothes go to die."
Immediately, the idea for an animated movie popped into my head. You know how those Disney films like to anthropamorphize everything? Like bugs, toys, cars, fish, etc.
Well, what if you made the clothes the characters? And they're all hanging out in a discount store (or even thrift store if you want to open more possibilities) wondering when their days of not selling will come to a tragic end. That's good stuff!
Can't you totally see some glove or mitten searching for his little sister, the other glove? And there's the old sweater who is tucked so far beyond the other clothes that nobody realizes he's been there for twenty years. You can even make it a holiday flick - "Clothed for Christmas."
C'mon, it's a good idea! Pixar, are you listening?
"It's where clothes go to die."
Immediately, the idea for an animated movie popped into my head. You know how those Disney films like to anthropamorphize everything? Like bugs, toys, cars, fish, etc.
Well, what if you made the clothes the characters? And they're all hanging out in a discount store (or even thrift store if you want to open more possibilities) wondering when their days of not selling will come to a tragic end. That's good stuff!
Can't you totally see some glove or mitten searching for his little sister, the other glove? And there's the old sweater who is tucked so far beyond the other clothes that nobody realizes he's been there for twenty years. You can even make it a holiday flick - "Clothed for Christmas."
C'mon, it's a good idea! Pixar, are you listening?
On Marriage
Ok, I think I've got it down. And I don't mean the whole "marriage" thing. That was a misleading headline.
I mean getting married, the whole concept of it. After an exhaustive survey of married couples and those couples weighing the big question, here's what it comes down to:
WOMAN to MAN: Shit or get off the pot.
MAN to WOMAN: What's the difference?
This is the fundamental problem. It doesn't matter who you are, where you're from, or what you like to do on Sunday afternoons if you're not a football fan. Ultimately, the woman will always have some sort of timetable for getting married and the guy will not understand how life will be different after marriage.
It's funny how un-unique we are.
I mean getting married, the whole concept of it. After an exhaustive survey of married couples and those couples weighing the big question, here's what it comes down to:
WOMAN to MAN: Shit or get off the pot.
MAN to WOMAN: What's the difference?
This is the fundamental problem. It doesn't matter who you are, where you're from, or what you like to do on Sunday afternoons if you're not a football fan. Ultimately, the woman will always have some sort of timetable for getting married and the guy will not understand how life will be different after marriage.
It's funny how un-unique we are.
Monday, November 20, 2006
White Papers & Torture
A white paper is a long report produced by a company to explain (in great detail) a particular problem, issue, product, methodology or solution.
They are, without qualification, a torture to read.
So, here's my idea. We print out a big bunch of white papers - it doesn't matter which, since they are uniformally awful - and ship them down to Guantanamo Bay. If you are truly a terrorist, you will break somewhere into the third or fourth page.
If you make it to the end, you are an unfeeling, unflinching robot. And posssibly still a terrorist.
They are, without qualification, a torture to read.
So, here's my idea. We print out a big bunch of white papers - it doesn't matter which, since they are uniformally awful - and ship them down to Guantanamo Bay. If you are truly a terrorist, you will break somewhere into the third or fourth page.
If you make it to the end, you are an unfeeling, unflinching robot. And posssibly still a terrorist.
Friday, November 17, 2006
3 Things Your Blog Should Avoid (from a novice)
At the risk of alienating the growing community of which I've just become a part, I want to impart some opinions I've formed from my quick tour of the blogosphere. These are things that generally turn me off:
1. Long posts
Before you even say it: yes, I do read books and I do read New Yorker articles. I am not a video-game savant, utterly opposed to reading pages of text. But not on a blog. I just don't care that much. Make a point or two, throw in a link or a picture, and post more later. Even the most coherent, funny, rage-filled diatribe will lose me after a couple paragraphs.
2. Posts with no words
A corollary of the last issue. Don't just post one photograph, one YouTube video, or one link. We can get those things practically anywhere. Give us a little commentary, even if it's a witty, one-word caption.
3. Ugly sites
Make your site as clean as possible. The average Internet reader does not want to read anything on a background other than white. At the best, it's distracting; at the worst, it's nauseating. I don't want to throw up on your blog.
Oh, one more thing: spelling and grammar count. They always do.
1. Long posts
Before you even say it: yes, I do read books and I do read New Yorker articles. I am not a video-game savant, utterly opposed to reading pages of text. But not on a blog. I just don't care that much. Make a point or two, throw in a link or a picture, and post more later. Even the most coherent, funny, rage-filled diatribe will lose me after a couple paragraphs.
2. Posts with no words
A corollary of the last issue. Don't just post one photograph, one YouTube video, or one link. We can get those things practically anywhere. Give us a little commentary, even if it's a witty, one-word caption.
3. Ugly sites
Make your site as clean as possible. The average Internet reader does not want to read anything on a background other than white. At the best, it's distracting; at the worst, it's nauseating. I don't want to throw up on your blog.
Oh, one more thing: spelling and grammar count. They always do.
Doodles
Simply the best word ever.
I always wonder just how famous I must become in order to have my doodles published. The only people that have succeeded are Presidents (there's a new book out on them) and Kurt Cobain (as part of the Journals book).
I have some pretty fantastic doodles. Can't we agree that a coffee-table book of ordinary people's doodles would be not only an interesting psychological/socialogical experiment, but the biggest selling book of all time?
Yes, I think we can.
I always wonder just how famous I must become in order to have my doodles published. The only people that have succeeded are Presidents (there's a new book out on them) and Kurt Cobain (as part of the Journals book).
I have some pretty fantastic doodles. Can't we agree that a coffee-table book of ordinary people's doodles would be not only an interesting psychological/socialogical experiment, but the biggest selling book of all time?
Yes, I think we can.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Bobby vs. Rocky
I don't know if you read magazines as much as I do (which is a lot), but there's been a slew of articles about Bobby, the new ensemble drama directed by Emilio Estevez. One of the main themes everybody seems to bring up is that this film, or rather, the incident that provokes this film, was a watershed moment in American history. When Bobby Kennedy was shot, America lost its innocence.
Boo-hoo.
It's not that I'm insensitive to such sentiment, but I wasn't alive back then and I somehow doubt the star of Repo Man can adequately convey the sense of loss stemming from just so significant an event. Which makes it somewhat ironic that I'm pinning my hopes on another 80s era icon that has gone back to directing: Sylvester Stallone.
Here's why:
http://playlist.yahoo.com/makeplaylist.dll?id=1521857&sdm=web&qtw=640&qth=400
I don't get it. Why is this movie pushing all my emotional buttons? I also wasn't alive when the first Rocky came out and have had only a passing interest in the franchise. But there's something here that makes me think more about America's loss of innocence than the slaying of our last great chance for an honest President.
Now, I haven't seen the finished film, but it already seem to represent the kind of movie that hasn't been made since, well ... the first Rocky. I'm all for postmodern irony, and big special effects and dark independent drama and all that, but when was the last time we saw something sincere; something emotionally honest? Rocky Balboa, the sequel (or re-hash) that it is, may not have an original bone in its frail, been-there, done-that body. But, hell, I feel inspired ... and that actually feels pretty good.
I want an old man crawling back in the ring to stand toe-to-toe with some primetime player. I want slurred speech, big montages, over-the-top emotion. I want a damn theme song that I can actually hum and feel better about myself and the world.
In short, I'm buying what Rocky Balboa is selling. To hell with all the cynics.
Boo-hoo.
It's not that I'm insensitive to such sentiment, but I wasn't alive back then and I somehow doubt the star of Repo Man can adequately convey the sense of loss stemming from just so significant an event. Which makes it somewhat ironic that I'm pinning my hopes on another 80s era icon that has gone back to directing: Sylvester Stallone.
Here's why:
http://playlist.yahoo.com/makeplaylist.dll?id=1521857&sdm=web&qtw=640&qth=400
I don't get it. Why is this movie pushing all my emotional buttons? I also wasn't alive when the first Rocky came out and have had only a passing interest in the franchise. But there's something here that makes me think more about America's loss of innocence than the slaying of our last great chance for an honest President.
Now, I haven't seen the finished film, but it already seem to represent the kind of movie that hasn't been made since, well ... the first Rocky. I'm all for postmodern irony, and big special effects and dark independent drama and all that, but when was the last time we saw something sincere; something emotionally honest? Rocky Balboa, the sequel (or re-hash) that it is, may not have an original bone in its frail, been-there, done-that body. But, hell, I feel inspired ... and that actually feels pretty good.
I want an old man crawling back in the ring to stand toe-to-toe with some primetime player. I want slurred speech, big montages, over-the-top emotion. I want a damn theme song that I can actually hum and feel better about myself and the world.
In short, I'm buying what Rocky Balboa is selling. To hell with all the cynics.
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Me & Technology
Why is a blog this difficult?
Why is my header not blue?
I think I figured everything else out. But I can't get the damn top of my page to be blue.
That green is really starting to irk me. Man, it's been a long time since I used that word.
Irk, irk, irk, irk, irk ...
Why is my header not blue?
I think I figured everything else out. But I can't get the damn top of my page to be blue.
That green is really starting to irk me. Man, it's been a long time since I used that word.
Irk, irk, irk, irk, irk ...
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Smart Dogs, Stupid People
Who's a stupid person? You're a stupid person. Yes, you are. Aw, who's my stupid little person? It's you. Now, go potty.
And that's how we should talk to idiots who adopt a dog and don't have the common sense to get a good leash. Thus, the dog escapes. Thus, the dog gets run over. Thus, an animal who was saved from imminent destruction becomes just another statistic.
All because of people's stupidity.
Anyway, the conclusion was different (thankfully) but I'm sure this sequence of events happens all the time. Don't adopt a dog, have kids, get a goldfish, save a spider or do anything remotely thoughtful to life on this planet if you're an idiot. Because, inevitably, you will screw it up.
Happy Tuesday, everybody!
And that's how we should talk to idiots who adopt a dog and don't have the common sense to get a good leash. Thus, the dog escapes. Thus, the dog gets run over. Thus, an animal who was saved from imminent destruction becomes just another statistic.
All because of people's stupidity.
Anyway, the conclusion was different (thankfully) but I'm sure this sequence of events happens all the time. Don't adopt a dog, have kids, get a goldfish, save a spider or do anything remotely thoughtful to life on this planet if you're an idiot. Because, inevitably, you will screw it up.
Happy Tuesday, everybody!
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